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So this is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."

I owe everyone an apology. I wish I could tell this to you straight to your face, but everytime I try to these words never seem to be present in my brain at the time.

First of all, Tyler. I think to you I owe the biggest apology. I don't know why I was thinking you were trying to steal everyone away from me. I know now that you were just becoming another part of the family and that I had no reason to thank that you were trying to damage my friendship with any of these people I call my friends. I see now that you never meant to do anything other than make new friends. I should have never felt like you were stealing anyone away from me, because you really weren't. For this Tyler, I do in fact owe you the biggest apology.

Second, David. I'm sorry I never took your advice the first two times you gave it to me. I really should have. I'm sorry for throwing that tantrum like a little kid that night you tried to surprise me, I really shouldn't have. I should have accepted that you were trying to do something nice for me instead of focusing on the fact that everyone was fibbing a little that night. They were doing that for a good reason, and I was too stubborn to realize that.

Third, Bethy. I know I've been bothering you to take me places a lot these past few weeks, if not months, and not paying you. So starting from this moment, there will always be gas money involved. =] I know that I annoy you some days with constantly asking you the same thing or going to you for problems that I can easily fix myself. It's just at times I want that reassurance, even though sometimes it's better if I just stick with what I know and stop second guessing with everything.

Summer, I know that you've invited me to go to Wyoming a lot this year, and I've always come up with excuses as to why I wouldn't go. I promise next year will be different though. I know I haven't been the best of friend to you and Maddie, and have only been focusing most of my attention on David, Bethy and Derek, and that isn't fair to you two. I'm sorry for that. Ya'll are just as good of friends mine as they are. Lately I've been coming to you for my problems too which is what you've wanted me to do from the beginning. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you from the beginning Summer.

Maddie. You told me just recently that you'd always be there whenever I needed someone to talk to and I've taken you up on that offer. I know that I can come to you and you will listen and talk to me without prejudice. But, I haven't taken you up on that offer until recently. Someone once told me that you can have a close group of friends, but that doesn't mean that you can't have other friends, and I guess that is what I couldn't grasp with Summer and you, but I'm starting to grasp that with you two. I just wish I had grasped it sooner.

Colleen, I know I haven't been hanging out with you as much as I used to. I guess I've just been stressed and have been wanting to be on my own a lot lately, or maybe trying to hang out with other friends that I haven't been hanging out with so much lately. I don't really know. I don't regret talking to you that night in the laundry room though. I'm really glad that I have you as a friend, I'm just sorry that I can't be a good friend like you need. But you told me that you'd always be there for me to talk to, and I'll always be there for you whenever you need to talk. I'm a really good listener.

And Derek...I'm sorry for, what everyone has been saying, being posessive over you. I never meant to. I've just always been like that. Find one really good friend that is like me in almost every way and just want to be with them every day. It was the way with Gwen. I know now that it's okay to not be with someone everyday. It won't make them love you any less, or care any less. You were right. I was acting really immaturely with everything. I was immature and naive. With everything that has been going on though, it has really made me realize that I can't keep living in my high school days but that this is college and this is the real world and it's time to grow up. That's what I'm slowly doing...growing up. So in a way, your paragraph is a sorry and a thank you.

Maybe this is wishful thinking, probably mindless dreaming. I'd go back in time and change it but I can't. So if the chain is on your door, I understand. But this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."

You wanna know more, more, more about me?

• I'm always afraid of people leaving me.
• When people start getting too close, I have a knack of always pushing them away somehow, even though I never mean to do it and most of the time I don't even realize that I'm doing it.
• When I'm upset or mad I tend to say and do things that I don't mean.
• I love quotes because they can say the same things I do but have you think more indepthly about what I mean.
• I love song lyrics because they can say the things that I can't or that I can't say out loud.
• I don't like to blend in with the crowd.
• I don't like when it's quiet, I like it when it's loud.
• I've always been the outcast all through out grade school.
• I hate change so much that I sometimes try to boycott the thing that is changing.
• I've lost a lot of friends because of things I do and/or say.
• Most of the time I have my head up in the clouds, and it takes awhile for me to come down.
• I strongly believe in the quote, 'What comes around, goes around.' and 'After every hurricane comes a rainbow.'
• I can get annoying...quickly.
• Somedays I can never shut up, and other days you're begging me to talk.
• I'm strange and I like it. I would never want to change or hide it.
• Somedays I just want to cry like a child for no reason.
• I don't ask for someone to always be there for me, all I ask is just for someone to be there to listen.
• I want to be sweet and I want to be wild.
• All I want in life is to be loved. I don't want the friend kind of love, I just want the relationship kind of love.
• All I'm wanting is to be wanted.
• I have hurt many people in the past, but I never mean it. I promise.
• I hate having the same routine every day.
• I wish I could tell you everything that is going on inside, but either I can't process what's going on into words or I feel like you might think less of me if I was to tell you.
• Everything happens for a reason.
• You think you know me but I'm changing all the time.

I know there's something more to us than our mistakes.

I'm still trying to figure out how to tell you I was wrong
I can't fill the emptiness inside since you've been gone
So is it you or is it me?
I know I said things that I didn't mean
But you should've known me by now
You should've known me

If you believed
When I said
I'd be better off without you
Then you never really knew me at all
If you believed
When I said
That I wouldn't be thinking about you
You thought you knew the truth but you're wrong
You're all that I need
Just tell me that you still believe

I can't undo the things that led us to this place
But I know there's something more to us than our mistakes
So is it you or is it me
I know I'm so blind when we don't agree
But you should've known me by now
You should've known me

If you believed
When I said
I'd be better off without you
Then you never really knew me at all
If you believed
When I said
That I wouldn't be thinking about you
You thought you knew the truth but you're wrong
You're all that I need
Just tell me that you still believe

I know I said things that I didn't mean
But you should've known me by now
You should've known me

If you believed
When I said
I'd be better off without you
Then you never really knew me at all
If you believed
When I said
That I wouldn't be thinking about you
You thought you knew the truth but you're wrong
You're all that I need
Just tell me that you still believe

You should've known me
Cuz you're all that I want
Don't you even know me at all
You're all that I need
Just tell me that you still believe

Three Words.

Three words for you when you need something to help pick you up. I love you. You give me butterflies deep inside. You are beautiful, no matter what. White, black, brown, gay, straight, bi, fat, skinny, mental disorder or not, no matter what you are, you are beautiful and don't ever let anyone tell you differently. You are an original creation and no one can copy you. <3

You Cry A Tear To Start A River

So you head on down to the bottom near the river just to wash away all the pain of today and yesterday. And you try so hard to wash away the spots, but your tears don't seem to do enough. It's just too much. Well, darling grab a hand. I promise not to let you stand alone. They say that crying is good for you. Crying or rather the tears that we shed helps us see, kills bacteria, removes toxins, and also releases feelings. Crying also lowers stress and can elevate your mood. We shed tears of joy, tears of happiness, tears of grief and tears of sorrow. We shed tears for all the right reasons and for all the wrong ones. We come into this world crying and we leave this world with people crying because of us. All along life's journey we will shed tears. We will cry when we scrape our knees trying to learn how to ride a two-wheel bike. We will cry when our hearts are broken numerous times. We will cry at our wedding day along with our parents and family members. We will cry when we give birth to our own family. "Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." Everyone goes through a heartbreak. Whether it be from your best friend moving thousands of miles away or if the love of our life breaks up with us to go out with someone else or just because they didn't want us anymore. There is no way around it. I guess in a way, getting your heart broken is a good thing, because it gives us the chance to cry which helps get our feelings out there. The same feelings that most of us keep built up until we can no longer keep them inside and they're about to burst at the seams. The Hardest Ones To Love Are The Ones Who Need It Most.

Ugh...really?

Well...since no one reads this shit anyways, other than Josh I'm posting shit on here. You are a fucking stupid ass Skank who cant keep their god damn mouth shut and has to start so much fucking drama to statisfy her own needs. So just shut your god damn filthy fucking mouth and learn to keep your shit to yourself and stop starting drama and blaming other people. I am DONE with you you dirty whore. I hope you rot in fucking hell you god damn daughter of a fucking prostitute bitch.

You'll make it through with another point of view again.

Liberate the people that you hate
Then cut yourself again
Elevate then drop back down
And see which ones remain
Remember all that she can say
Is that she knows she wants it
You'll make it through
With another point of view again
You'll make it through
With another point

Accusation, does yes mean no?
Or have you changed your mind?
Kill the nation before it grows
And be one of a kind
Remember all that she can say
Is that she knows she wants it

You'll make it through
With another point of view again
You'll make it through
With another point

Pretend the world's an ocean
Oh, I'm drowning
Pretend that I'm pollution
Oh, I'm dying
Pretend the steak's a cowboy
And the kiss will kill you

You'll make it through
With another point of view again
You'll make it through
With another point

I don't know how to breathe without you...

I don't know what to do anymore. I try to be happy but it just seems like whenever I get happy something has to go and ruin it. I don't know who I am anymore. I used to be the happy, giggly person in my group of friends. Now I'm the sad, depressed person in my group of friends. It's like the happy giggly person has died and has in return evolved into this thing that everyone hates. Helsinki, Even I have come to hate the way I am now. I want to go back to the way I was. I need help to get back there. I promise that girl will come back, it just takes time and love and care. The one person who can make that girl come back is now mad at me, or so it seems. My Bethy makes her come back, but in no way like the other person. These two people are literally the two people who have never left me this year and they in return know how to make me happy and how to bring back the happy little girl that disappears for awhile. She disappears and comes back. It might be the next hour, or day or week or month...she's been gone for a year before and only because i had to bring her back. She didnt stay for long. She left quickly after that. Some days, I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't want to be as horrible as I used to be. I never want to be that way again, but it seems like being like that is how it must be for now till someone wants to break that hard skin of an outer shell that is there. I promise, that with a little help, a little care and a lot of love she will return. Just...right now...no one wants to put forth that help and that care and that love to help, so she must be stored away till someone wants to bring her out from the darkness and into the light. To help rescue her.

I'm sick of this. I am completely fucking sick of all of this.

I'm sick of the drama. I'm sick of having to choose between groups of friends. I'm sick of hanging out with one group and having the other be upset or mad. I'm sick of trying to choose between happiness and fake happiness. I'm completely sick of it. I amd completely fucking sick of myself! It's like I can't do anything right. I try to make everyone happy, but it never works or else it always backfires. It's like I can't make anyone happy. I'm constantly in a heated battle with myself over my emotions and the thoughts in my head. Everyone thinks that I'm always giggling and smiling and that I'm always happy, but there's so much more to me than that. I can't express everything to everyone without them hating me or upseting them so this is the last thing that I have in the world to express my feelings. I feel like bawling my eyes out and taking a razor to my neck. I just want everything to stop. I'm tired of living out of a backpack and a bag, but this is the only place that I'm happy. I can't go back to my room because I will go back to thinking about cutting and suicide all of the time. I can't live like that for the rest of the school year. I just can't. But I can't live here for the rest of the year. So what are my choices? Live out of a bag and a backpack till the end of this tri and then go back to the Self harming and suicide thoughts? That just sounds like so much fun. I honestly don't know what to do about anything anymore. I want someone to tell me that everything will be okay and actually mean it this time. I want someone to tell me that I don't need those thoughts and that I don't need to do it. I can't live there anymore. I just don't know what to do at all anymore. I feel completely hopeless and helpless. I feel like a fucking fuck up...That's what I feel like. Why can't I just dissappear and never return. Or crawl into a ball in the corner and die. I don't know what to do. I feel like such a foolish fuck up.

Now It's Too Late For You And Your White Horse To Come Around

I don't know what to do anymore. I try to be the perfect person and the perfect daughter. I try to save my money for the things I need and not spend it on the things I want. I want to make my parents proud and my friends to love me. But everytime I try to do something it's like I'm doing everything wrong and that I should just give up trying. I know the old saying of 'Do what you want and not what others want you to do.' But what I want is to make everyone happy. I couldn't care less about my own happiness. I'm happy when everyone else is happy. It's just...it seems like I don't know what to do anymore. I used to know exactly what made my friends and parents happy but now that I'm in college it's like I can't do that anymore. I would just like to know what I'm doing wrong and why the people in my life aren't happy like they should be. I believe that everyone should be happy, no matter what life throws at you. I mean, yes you can be depressed when a family member dies or when your family decides to disown you, but if you just focus on the little things in life that makes you happy at those depressing times then you will pull through without resorting to drastic measures. I just want everyone in my life to be happy with who they are, where they are and what they have in life. I wanna have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul.

We're going round & round

Christmas break...The longest holiday of the school year that every student on the face of the Earth waits for. Whether you're an elementary school kid or a college student, you're always waiting for Christmas break. It's the break where you have a chance to look back on your past year and realize what all has happened to help you become yourself and what has changed you.
As I sit here and look back on my year I can't help but to think of all of the events and people that has helped shape me into the person that I am now.
2010:
Lost my great aunt. Graduated High School. Entered College. Made amazing friends. Lost and regained friendships. Started a new hobby. Realized what I wanted to do for a living. Losing my parents trust for me.
I've met some pretty amazing friends while in College. I just know that all of these if not most of these friendships are going to last for life.
Monica: My cute filipino friend I met during Wildcat Weekend who I instantly bonded with. She's my roommate and one of my best friends. She was there for me when I went through my four days of home sickness and never left my room. She introduced me Mr. Codykins. =]
Cody: My non-biological brother. I met him through Monica one night during a movie night down in our dorm hall lounge. He's been there for me through everything since entering college. The home sickness, the break-up, the heartaches and happyness. He's been there through it all. He may be an asshole and a jackass at times, but I always know that he will be there even if that means waking him up from sleeping. He knows just the right things to do and say to make me happy and to make me laugh when I don't feel like smiling. =]
Bethany: My dorky church going friend. She may go to church all the time and mentions christian related stuff, but she doesn't shove it down your throat like most churchy people I know. She's addicted to Starbucks, and I'm glad to go with her whenever she wants to go. She's been there when I've felt insecure and I just want to hide away from everything and everyone. She knows how to make me smile. =]
Sydnee: This chicka lives forty-five minutes from my home in Texas in Katy. It's amazing how I can talk to her about Katy things and she automtically knows what I'm talking about and vice versa. She was there when I felt like I was on my death bed and Monica had quarantened me to my room. She didn't listen to Monica, she just walked right in and sat on my bed and didn't budge. =]
Alice: We just...automatically clicked when we first met. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday. We ate lunch with Monica and Chrissy and walked for two hours to the sixteenth street mall, and ever since then we've been inseperable. Our relationship has gone from friendship to an actual relationship. We will be together for two months on December twenty-seventh. She's the one who helped me learn who I was and that I shouldn't care what people think because their opinions don't matter. She helped me come out from behind the mask that I used to hide behind. I love her to death and no matter what happens to us, I know that she will always be there for me and that I will always be there for her. I love you baby. =]
Avion: This girl is effing hilarious. I love her. Words cannot describe her. Honestly. =]
Summer and Maddie: Summer is so ditzy at times and Maddie is so down to earth. They're both amazing girls. I love them for them.
Darlene: That girl....How exactly would I describe Darlene? I would describe her as the inncent, girl next door type. She's beautiful in every way possible. She is such a loving friend who cares for each and every one of her friends. I absolutely adore her. =]
Josh, Derek and David: These three guys are all grouped together because they are just that awesome. I love hearing their stories and their rants. They amuse me in so many ways that it's not even funny. Hehe. =]
These people have helped shape me into the person that I am at the conclusion of this year. The most important thing that I've learned about myself this year is that I'm an amazing person who is one of the most bubbly person I know. I've learned that I shouldn't let other people's opinions shape the way I see life and the way I act. The only thing that is important is my happiness.
Without everything that has happened this year and the people i've met this year, I would continue to be the person that I was at the conclusion of last year. And I must tell you....I much like the person that I am now much more than the person that I was at this time last year. =]

College.

College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College. College.
It can be the best of times and it can be the worst of times.

Random Facts...

American car horns beep in the tone of F.
The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
Children are more allergic to cockroaches than they are to cats.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
The first computer mouse was invented by Doug Englelbart in around 1964 and was made of wood.
The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache on a standard playing card.
50 cent's In Da Club was written in a half hour.
Astronauts get taller when they are in space.
Only 6 people in the whole world have died from moshing.
Organized crime is estimated to account for 10% of the United States' national income.
An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards.
About 400 different kinds of microbes live on and in the human body.
When Scott Paper Company first started manufacturing toilet paper they did not put their name on the product because of embarrassment.
Conneticut and Rhode Island never ratified the 18th amendment (Prohibition).
All the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck at 4:20.
The magnetic south pole was discovered off the coast of Wilkes Land in Antarctica.
2 out of 3 adults in the United States have hemorrhoids.
Harry's birthday is July 31, 1980. Rowling's birthday is also July 31 - but in 1966.
Originally, Nintendo was a playing card manufacturer.
Money notes are not made from paper, it is made mostly from a special blend of cotten and linen.
Since 1495, no 25-year period has been without war.
The number of the trash compactor in Star wars is 3263827.
Canada is an indian word meaning "Big Village".
Gold is so rare that the world pours more steel in an hour than it has poured gold since the beginning of recorded history.
A Polar Bear's skin is black, and its hair is clear.
Approximately 1,100 U boats were sunk or lost during World war II.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
A man gets robbed in London every 4.5 minutes.

Just try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend.

I should have never gotten that tattoo because now if I ever cut myself it will make me feel horrible and shitty. I still can't talk about the whole friends loving each other anymore. Cissy..she used to tell me everything, and then Michael came along and it's like she doesn't tell me anything anymore because she's telling him everything. Whenever I try to talk to him it's like he's too busy to talk to me, because, surprise, he's talking to her and the same with her. It's like I don't even exist with to them anymore.
She has the one thing I want. I want someone who will love me no matter what, but I know that will never happen. Why would anyone want to love me like that? They'll just get hurt, no one wants to get hurt. I should have killed myself when I had the chance. I'm tired of pretending to be happy. I pretend to be happy for my friends, but I can't take the whole pretending thing anymore. I know if I stop being happy everyone will leave me.
There's only one thing that has always been there when no one else was. One thing that has seen the good times and the bad times. I never had to pretend to be something I'm not. But what I want is something I can never have because I promised everyone. Hell, I keep all of my promises for people, why can't I just break one? I just want my damn razor back.

Life is good I can't complain. I mean I could but no one's listening.

Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.
Time spent wasting is not wasted time.
Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.
Thinner is the winner.
You can never be too rich or too thin.
Hunger hurts but starving works.
The flat stomach is nice, but a concave one is perfect.
You will be tempted quite frequently. You will have to choose whether to enjoy yourself wholly for those twenty minutes or so that you will be consuming excess calories, or whether you will despise yourself cordially for the next three days.
Eat to live, but don’t live to eat.
Quod me nutrit, me destruit.
Most women live their lives in a state of starvation. Why should I be any different?
It’s Simple: You decide once and for all that you aren’t going to eat, and there are no further decisions to make.
It’s not deprivation, it’s liberation.
Being normal is over rated.
Food is like art, to be looked at not eaten.
Every time you say no thank you to food, you say yes please to thin.
You have a choice to make, do you want to be ‘normal’ and overweight like the rest of the world, or do you want to be unique and be the girl every overweight person wants to be? It’s all up to you.
I do eat normally: Only what is needful for survival. I can’t help it that we live in a piggish society where gluttony is the norm, and everyone else is constantly stuffing themselves.
Think higher of yourself, you’re too good to put that in your body.
Anorexia is not a self-inflicted disease, it’s a self-controlled lifestyle.
When I wake, I’m empty, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food’s only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will.
The difference between want and need is self control.
I’ve come too far to take orders from a cookie.
They always say they’re concerned with me, about my health, whey all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force feed me with lies, with what they call love.
The greasy fry, it cannot lie, its truth is written on your thigh.
They say I could die if I get too thin and I tell them I could die getting too fat also. The difference is dieing thin is a challenge and I am not one to give up on a challenge.
We are prisoners of our taste buds - break free.
I want my collarbones and hips to be as sharp as my mind.
You can learn to love anything I think, if you need to badly enough. I trained myself to enjoy feeling hungry. If my stomach contracts, or I wake up feeling nauseated, or I’m light-headed, or have a hunger headache or better yet, all of the above, it means I’m getting thinner, it feels good. I feel strong, on top of myself, in control.
Denying yourself food is not true deprivation - never being thin is.
There is no try, there is only do.
I have a rule when I weigh myself. If I’ve gained then I starve the rest of the day. But if I’ve lost then I starve too.
Re-measure, reweigh, try harder.
Your body is the baggage you must carry through life. The more excess baggage the shorter the trip.
You have such a pretty face, why don’t you try dieting.
Pain is temporary; Pride is forever.
An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person.
Don’t give up wheat you want most for what you want at the moment.
I’m a teenage drama queen, I’ll throw my guts up for self esteem.
Empty is pure, starving is the cure.
Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.
Like a plant, surely the body can be trained to exist on nothing to take it’s nourishment from the air.
Feed the soul; let the body fast.
If you close your mouth too fast, you can know a sweeter taste.
The less I swallowed, the more I declined. the more I hope to pour things down to the essentials.
The more they give me, the less I eat.
Eat less, weigh less.
Thin has a taste all it’s own.
Happy or sad, rich or poor, it’s better being thin.
I don’t care if it hurts, I want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.
If it tastes good, it’s trying to kill you.
An ordinary girl, an ordinary waist - but ordinary’s just not good enough today.
The world is control. That’s my ultimate - to have control.
I want to be the smallest I can possibly be…when I see bone, that’s the day I will finally be free.
I’m not a winner. I could be thinner. So I must throw up dinner.
Giving in to food shows weakness, be strong and you will be better than everyone else.
I’m not starving myself, I’m perfecting my emptiness.
Anorexia is not a disease. Anorexia is not a game. Anorexia is a skill, perfected only by a few. The chosen, the pure, the flawless.
Anorexia is like a game, you play, you win, and then it’s over. Or you keep playing.
Nothing. Nothing is wrong. And asking is against the rules. Crying is against the rules. You’re strong, don’t let them break you. They’re trying to destroy you.
Don’t eat. If you want to see food, look in the mirror at your thighs.
What’s in your fingers today is on your hips tomorrow.
The only freedom left is the freedom to starve.
You are what you eat.
Good habits result from resisting temptation.
Food is the most primitive form of comfort.
Act as if it were impossible to fail.
Blessed are the starving, for they shall teach us not to want.
Food pickers wore big knickers.
Don’t eat anything today that you’ll regret tomorrow.
Craving is only a feeling.
Bones define who we really are, let them show.

Graduation is upon us my dear friends.

This isn't the end of our lives, it is but the beginning of a story yet unknown. Saturday is my graduation. Today we had Graduation practice...Tears were shed, and even more are going to be shed I can guarantee it. It's sad and depressing for some and happy and joyful for others. For me though...It's both. After graduation I'm going to Colorado for college, leaving Texas and my friends behind to find what I want to do with my life and what I'm about and who I am. It's going to be a long journey and I can't wait for it, but at the same time I'm leaving behind the people that have helped shape me, helped save me, helped me in so many ways that it's unbelieveable. Graduation seemed so far away and now it seems like it's tomorrow. Please tell me...Where has the time gone? I still remember the days when playing with hula hoops and jump ropes were fun during the summer. When Sailor Moon and Pokemon took up our afternoons and weekends, and rockstars, popstars, firemen, and astronauts were the in jobs to have. Now, it just seems like, Where are you going after you graduate? What are you going to do with your life? And you realize that you will never become a rockstar, a popstar, a fireman or an astronaut. You realize that you need an actual real job. I don't know if I'm actually ready for this little step, or should I say, A giant leap of faith into the world unknown...All I have to say is: "This isn't the end of our lives, it is but the beginning of a story yet unknown."

Who knew I could take such pretty pictures. (Austin, TX)

Hate is such a strong word and I must admit that I use it wrong.

Two days ago on facebook I made a huge mistake. I told all of facebook about how much I hated my mom. As soon as I posted it I regretted it, but stupid me didn't erase it. I had planned to erase it soon, but then I started vomiting, and I'm sorry, but when I'm busy trying not to vomit all over myself it's kinda hard to think about anything else. Yeah, Monday night and Tuesday I was vomiting all over the bathroom with what mama said was a stomach Virus. So anyways, I should have deleted it when I was feeling a little better after throwing up, but all I wanted to do was sleep because I had not slept the night before. I'm an idiot. I know that. I'm a disgrace to my family. I know that too. And being a disappointment to the family? I know that one too. I don't even know why they keep me around anymore to be honest. I mean, I'm never nice to any of them, all we ever do anymore is fight and it's always my dumb ass starting it. But yes, That facebook post was a mistake. I hurt someone that I love very much. I was mad at the time, I hated her for all of five minutes. I quickly got over it though, and I know that I should have deleted it, but I didn't and I'm sorry. Mama, If you're reading this, I know you probably don't care because you're mad at me. But this is coming from the bottom of my heart. I don't know how else to tell you that I'm horribly sorry for saying what I did. I'm a horrible daughter and I'm sorry. I just wish you'd forgive me. I hate when people are mad at me, especially you and daddy. When you two are mad at me, it just makes me feel like the worst person to ever live on this planet. This is my apology letter...I hope you accept it, but if you don't then I'll understand.
Mama...I don't hate you. I really don't. I love you. And I'm sorry.
:/

My new favourite word and other random thoughts coming to mind.

Dasvidanya. What does it mean you ask? Well lets go look that up on google. It means Goodbye in russian. You might recognize it from the 1997 Fox Family animated movie, Anastasia. One of my favourite movies of all time. (: It's pretty much a story about the long lost Romanov Grand Dutchess and her story of trying to find her family, and who she is and where she belongs. So...enough about Anastasia. I'm in economics, and we're learning about stocks. *sarcastic whoopie* I have Yahoo! Finance open on a different tab 'keeping up' with what the teacher is talking about. Oh well. Class Change. ^^ Now I'm in BCIS which is my computer class for all of you non LCISD students. I made a 96 on my practice test, so I decided today is my chill day in this class. I'll take the real test tomorrow. =] I'm a good student, I get my sugar done. I'm listening to Circus by Britney Spears and drinking a sobe...so you know what I am...HYPER!!!! Hehe. My poor kitty got drunk last night. shame shame. I love her to bits though, so yeah. =] I'm in a really good mood today, it's insane. INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!!!! hehe. *dances randomly to Britney Spears* {Just Like A Circus} Ooooo Song Change....All The Things She Said by Tatu.Hehe...I shall go now and have fun with my hyperness by myself. xD