Listen to painfully_mainstreams Playlist

I don't care what happens to me anymore!

"You need to stop eating before you are able to fit into my pants." that's what my 'great' culinary teacher said...she said she was just joking, but I know that she just said what everyone else already knows. So guess what...I'm done eating. I no longer care who I hurt by it. I am tired of being called fat, and people are saying that I need to do something about it, so I finally fucking am. I don't care about anything anymore. So as of now, I'm done eating. Yes...that's right; Heather is finally going to starve herself thin. Here's to good luck. I will be the girl who will have to wear 00 jeans instead of 14 or 16. I'm not only doing this for myself, but I am finally giving people something pretty to look at. And since none of my friends ever read this, they don't have to know about it. >.< Blah!

What. The. Hell. Man.

George Ranch High school in Richmond, Texas is ten times better than my High School (Terry High School). It looks like fucking HOGWARTS!!!! Makes me want to fail for four years just so I can go there. Man, kids these days get everything!!!

You made me breakfast in bed, when I'm all mixed up in my head.

I got Accepted into Johnson and Wales in DENVER, COLORADO!!! if you want a link to the website to look at the campus here it is: http://www.jwu.edu/campus.aspx?id=25932 It looks kinda like Hogwarts if you ask me. =D

Happies Happies Happies Happies

Heather's got a boyfriend!!! End of this post.

Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place? like somehow you just don't belong and no one understands you?

All Is Not What It Seems
Do you ever look at someone and you can instantly tell that they’ve been through more stuff than you can fathom? You want to be able to see what they’ve gone through just by one look, but you already know that will take weeks, if not months of getting to know them. Then there are some people who do wear their past on their arms.
I’m sure you’ve seen these people on the streets, or in the halls of your school. They wear sleeveless shirts only rarely, and are almost always wearing jackets. These people by scientific name are self-injurers, but to most of the population, they are known as cutters. They say the people who take the blade to their skin are suicidal, or are emo kids who try to fit into the fad of having hair in their face, black clothes, and who listen to heavy metal bands and who cut themselves. But you see stereotypes are nothing but the little groups that society puts you into. These people couldn’t be more wrong, people who cut don’t have to always wear black. Look around you. In ever classroom there is one person who has delved into the act of self-injury. They could be the ‘ghetto’ kid in the back of the room with pants to his knees, could be the ‘preppy’ girl in the middle of the room who always comes into class with a skirt on and always seems perfect, or it could always be the ‘nerd’ in the front of the room who always has their nose in a book. People who cut aren’t always suicidal either; they seek it out as more of a pain reliever than as an attempt at suicide.
I, myself, am a cutter. Five months on January 27th. Even though I haven’t done it for five months, and I’m never going to do it again, it’s a part of me, it’s a part of who I am. I have the scars to show the struggles I have gone through. They say that to be ‘emo’ you have to be depressed, but everyone gets depressed, just some people take it to the next level. I am one of them, I know it was a mistake, but I don’t regret it because it’s in the past and I’ve lived through it.
At first glance, you never would think that I was cutting up my arms every night or that I used to do it so badly that I would end up passing out on the floor of the bathroom. Some days I get really strong urges to dig the blades deep into my skin and slice my arm open, but then I think about how far I’ve come without doing it and I begin to wonder why I ever became involved in the practice of self mutilation and about how stupid I was for thinking it was a way out.
People judge people on their mistakes. We say we don’t, but we do. We try hard against it, but in the end, we all…every single person on the planet judge’s others on their mistakes whether they know it or not. I will always be judged by the scars on my arms and wrists, no matter how much I wish I wouldn’t…I always will.

It's like being in love, You rob your own mind, You defile your bed.

Let Me Put it Plainly...Subs Suck. Here's my rant about mine: "Fucking bitch. She has no fucking right to fucking come into this god damn class. It isn't her fucking class. And then to get mad at me when she said that she was going to go around the room to get tardy people. Fucking disgrace of a god damn teacher. No wonder no one fucking likes her. And the sub looks like a god damn full grown mother fucking munchkin. A Little Harsh? Maybe. I dunno, I was in a bad mood and we had this really mean teacher in my class. I mean, my friend had that teacher for French and she lasted a semester because she was tired of hearing that teacher tell them about how they were a disgrace to the student body and that they were going to live their lives working as the greeter at Wal-mart. I fucking hate subs!

For Never Was A Story Of More Woe Than Of Juliet And Her Romeo

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Juliet:
O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.


Romeo:
[Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?


Juliet:
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy:
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? It is nor hand nor foot,
Nor arm nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O be some other name!
What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other word would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
and for thy name, which is no part of thee,
Take all myself.


Romeo And Juliet Act 2, scene 2, 33–49
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

You held my hand and walked me home.

I told him goodbye. One of the most stupid things I have done. He really was a good friend. Even if he did stop liking me...I still wanted him as a friend. Since Michael left, it's like he's the one of the only people I could come to with anything. I can't believe I could just throw it away like that. I don't want him to go...but maybe it was for the best? I just...I don't know what to do. I feel lost, worthless, helpless. Like I'm in this big black pit of nothingness and I can't get out. I can now see why he doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm nothing but a drama filled teenage girl. Who wants that? No one. I feel so pathetic right now. >.<

If I Mattered To You, Then All I would See, Is Indigo.

Okay...Here's The Sad Part, We weren't even together and he still broke my heart. Why do I always end up liking someone so much that it hurts when they say that they like someone else? This one dude...He'll never know exactly how much I like him. Everytime he talks about this girl he likes it's like my heart is splitting open more and more. It's always like this with guys I like...but he's the one guy that I've liked more than any other guy, even Ivan. I'll never forget Ivan. He was the one who broke the most important promise I've ever wanted anyone to keep. But I can't tell this guy that. Why? Because he's madly in like, he might even love her, with this other girl. And why wouldn't he be? I mean, she's probably a gorgeous size zero with baby blue eyes and brown hair and no acne. While I'm a hideous size 14/16 with acne, brown hair and hazel eyes. I'm the girl that doesn't stand out in a crowd. She probably is. I just can't keep liking people like this, Especially him. Maybe if she wasn't in the picture, and if I lived closer, then things would be different. I just...feel so helpless right now. That might sound extreme, but it's true. I don't even know if he cares about me anymore. It's gotten to the point where I love talking to him but I also hate the hurt that I feel when we talk because I know that he's talking to her and would rather talk to her than me. I don't know....I guess I just need to get out of the picture and let him continue on liking her and not have him worry about me...I just don't know what to do. Penguin...if you read this...can you help me...please?

This blog's title is not song lyrics for I am in school and am unable to listen to music.

December 7th...It takes me almost a week to realize that I'm not eating like I should. This is my routine: I don't eat breakfast. I eat lunch, I go into the bathroom and puke it up for twenty minutes. I don't eat dinner. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, I want to eat, but I can't. It seems that whenever I look at food my heart starts racing and I feel like I'm about to pass out. I can't fucking eat. My body, or my subconcious mind won't let me, either way, I just can't eat. I think there's something wrong with me, but I'm not sure. >.< I just feel so horrible. I don't know what to fucking do. I can't tell any of my friends close to me because I know that they will all freak out on me and leave. They already think I'm crazy, I can't let them think that I'm even crazier than they think I am. *sighs*
I have to go to the Culinary Arts party and watch them eat...I might add to this later, I don't know.

This song goes out to my good friends.

Why did I start a blog? Why not? It can help you out when you need to get something off your chest or when there's something you need to say to someone but you're too afraid to do just so. Even when you've had the worst day of your life and all you want to do is curl up into a ball and die. When you've had a break up or when your best friend and yourself have had a huge fight. Blogs are what make and keep people sane...I my dear friends are one of them. I may not write as much as I would like, but I write whenever I need to distract myself. So. It is officially Thanksgiving, so happy thanksgiving fool.
I was reading my friends blog around five minutes ago. I love this chick even though we've never actually met, I still love her. I can't say hate, because I actually don't really hate anything, so I'll use the word Dislike, so I dislike some things in it...not all of it, but just some things. *sighs* Penguin...If you read this remember...Panda loves you.
I went to the mall today to get a new jacket because I had a fifty percent off coupon for being one of the first ones to het a HT+1 card. Woot woot Go Heather! =D So anyways, I got a new Jacket...It has Jacob's dreamcatcher on the front and it says 'The Twilight Saga: New Moon' on it and it has a picture of Jacob on the back. It's brown...not black... SHOCKER! and I got a Harry Potter beanie. It has the Hogwarts Crest on one side and the other side it has the dark mark..It's Reversible FWI.
Colorado is coming up. I can't decide if I'm more excited or worried. I'm excited about going and seeing snow, but I'm worried about the plane crashing because those have been happening alot lately. If the plane does crash...I hope I'm not alive when it catches on fire if it does. I'm so scared about it crashing..Tell me...Am I just paranoid or do I really have something to worry about?
I should be getting to bed...It's already 12.13 in the morning...I have to make cornbread for the party tomorrow at my aunt's house.
Christmas is coming up!!! I GET MY HARRY POTTER BOOKS ON CHRISTMAS!!!!I'm so excited!!! YAY!
Goodnight now. (:

You've got to help me out, It's all a blur last night.

Woot Woot! Thanksgiving is almost here!!!! Tom Milsom (Hexachordal) is still a gorgeous British Guy. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. Did I mention that I'm an idiot? Damn it. Grrrr. So anways...I leave December Fourth for Denver...oh yeah!!! I get to see snow!! Poor Ashly had her knee surgery last thursday and thought that it would be okay to come to school yesterday...she ended up leaving because she was in so much pain. And My Baby Ashley's friend Amanda is coming back form California for Thanksgiving and they're hanging out tomorrow. And I get a new Jacket. My daddy bought me Barbie Dorothy for Christmas, and we're trying to get my Aunt to give me Barbie Glinda. "Powdered God in a bag from the Vatican, I want you to fuck off as hard as you can." 100 Percent by Angelspit. You should go listen to that song...I love it. I got Stickers!!!! YAY!!!!!
Hehe.

Feels like I have always known you and I swear I dreamt about you, all those endless nights I was alone.

November 1, 2009...8:09 Pm. Well...I made it to two months clean...I don't know how much more I'm going to last though. *Sighs* Well...Yesterday was Halloween...I went as Tonks. *Shrugs* I got snowcones instead of candy at one house. That's pretty much it. Later.

She's upset, Bad Day, Heads for the dresser drawer to drive the pain away, Nothing good can come of this.

So...September 22nd at 4.55 Pm. I...want happiness in my life. I'm tired of all this drama that has come into my life in the past week or so. It was all fine until he turned up again. I don't have a problem with it..I really don't. I still really like the guy. It's just....I don't know. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm ugly. I get told that everyday, it's nothing new to me. Maybe it's just that I finally found a guy that I like that likes me back that doesn't want me just so they 'can take my virginity away.' Everytime I talk to him it's like I suddenly have this new found respect for myself, and I suddenly feel pretty. It's insane. No one else has ever had that effect on me. I'm a horrible person, I know that. I push a lot of guys out of my life because I know that I'll never have a chance with them. Except Chip, Jaz, Garrett, Uriel because well...I've never really liked them in that way, I've always liked them in the friend kind of way. But anyways...I've lost him once...I don't think I would be able to handle losing him again. In fact, I know I wouldn't be able to. I'd go back to the old ways...We all remember those days: Gashes in my body every night before bed, sometimes two, sometimes more. I had friends who were so worried about wether or not they would see me the next day. If I do lose him then I just know that I'm going to go back to those days. But if it happens, then it happens. I just...Need to get away from the internet and Texas. Maybe go to Antarctica or Somewhere where there's no one, or barely no one. You know what...I'm going to live on the Titanic.

You come to me with scars on your wrist, You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this.

It's almost the end of the month...1.11 PM on August 30th to be exact. I've been meaning to write in this all month but just haven't found the time. I'm not the most busiest person in the world, but things just slip my mind and I forget to do things and then I remember to do it when I'm either laying in bed or I don't have the computer on. So my month has been like this: Early August my Aunt and I went to splashtown. This is the first time we had a Aunt/Neice day, and I had so much fun. We went for her birthday which was actually the day after we went, but oh well. Anyways, so we went to splashtown and we rode this one ride that is like a slide that goes into a cereal bowl thing with a hole at the bottom...That slide type thing hurt my back. Ouch! Anyways, We were standing in line and there was this really hot guy...He had a lip ring, his ears pierced and tattoos. (: Anyways...So I was like...staring at this guy in front of my, and I automatically sweep my eyes over his arms, because I've come to where I always do that with people I see...I don't know why. So, I was looking at his arms when I see them...Scars on his wrist, on the upperside of his wrist by the top of his hand, His upper arm, his stomach, his lower arm, and his leg. I end up just staring at that scar on the top of his hand/wrist area and I realize that without my knowledge of doing it that I'm tracing the exact spot on my hand that that scar was on his...To this day I still want to cut right there just to see what happens. I kind of forgot what happened the rest of the month. So I'll just go to school. So school started on the 24th and as always, I'm scared as fuck. So much shit is going through my mind: I don't want to go, What if we're supposed to wear uniforms and no one told me, What if I'm not allowed to wear this shirt, What if I bump into someone I don't like and they get all their friends to beat me up? Well, apparently I worried myself to the point of being sick for no reason. Everything went fine. I love my new Culinary class. I actually have friends in their now. (: Wait...I wanna do Josh's Smiley face... :?) YAY! Hehe. So...Wed. night, Cissy called me useless...Well....at least I think it was Cissy. Anyways, She called me useless so the next day I decided not to think about it, but I knew I would so I decided to take a benadryl or two...or sixteen and I must say...I've never felt better...other than the almost falling up and down the stairs and running into the walls thing. I found out that I don't talk much when I'm like that. Oh well. So this weekend I was supposed to go over to Jackie's but then Daddy calls me up and says I can't go because her sister is dating a black guy who told their grandma the rules of the house and pretty much kicked her out of her own house, and how Jackie lives with her boyfriend in Humble. He didn't want me to go because he didn't want me to think that that was the way things were supposed to go, and I'm like...I'm not an idiot, I know that's not how things work. She's a fucking nympho and I haven't even had sex once...But whatever...I'm friends with lots of Nymphos. Oh well. So then we have today...Today...I don't like today. Daddy's computer has a virus that has blocked me from restarting the computer from a previous date, it changes the links that I click on when I go to google and search for something..It's just...fucking crazy. I want my laptop back...I miss him...He needs a name...I'm gonna name him....Moody. After Mad Eye...May he rest in peace. Well...I probably won't write back here till the end of next month or when I get my computer back...so bye for now.

What I love most about Rivers is you can't step in the same river twice.

Sooooooo...12.20 Am on July 29th and I just titled Chip's Poem..it is now called Essence of July. (: I am laying in my bed because I am too tired to actually try to sit up. I am currently on page 166 of Candy by Kevin Brooks. It's a pretty good book if you ask me. I have a nasty pimple growing on the corner of my nose and its really annoying me. I'm gonna put on my old blue jeans, gonna walk out of here and into a street, would you put up resistence, would it make a difference? Would you know the real me? Me and my old Blue Jeans. Sorry, a little Miley Cyrus there. I have successfully covered over 90% of my wall with quotes and song lyrics. You would be impressed. I just hope mama doesn't find the writting under the posters and what not. It was either Saturday or Sunday and my mother and I got into this huge fight over the stupidest thing...Two Hamburger patties! I mean, I'm sorry that I had just woken up and I was hungry, but I thought the old woman had eaten at least once that day...but then I must admit, she is my mother...SHE NEVER EATS!!! I'm getting really sick and tired of all her shit. As soon as I leave High School I'm going to either move in with my father or I'm going to move to Denver and go to College there. I was watching Disney movies one night. Not the new stuff but the old 90's stuff that they had out when I was five and what not. It really reminded me of my childhood and How I knew every single word to all the songs. That entertained me. But it doesn't take much to entertain me...Shit, I need some sleep...like seriously. Cissy is really getting on my nerves. Don't get me wrong, I love the girl like Crazy and I love talking to her but it just seems like everytime I try to talk to her she either doesn't want to talk or she quickly doesn't feel like talking to me anymore. I miss the old days when we could just talk and talk for hours on end. But People Change, Times Change, There's nothing you can do about It. Ashley now...I love her to death but it seems like that everytime we talk she only talks about Dj. Dj this, Dj that. Yes, I understand that he is her boyfriend or fiance...whatever! but do I really need to hear about it every five minutes? I mean, there has to be more in this world to talk about then just him... Gah! I'm off. Lata.

Little Girl Terrified Part II.

I forgot...MY RUTGER IS STARTING TO WALK AGAIN!!!! I really thought I was going to lose him. I've been so happy lately. (:

Little Girl Terrified...

It's 5.32 A.M. on the 25th of July and I just finished reading Impulse by Ellen Hopkins. I've read the book and I don't remember if it made me think as much as it did this last time I've read it. Those three people were put into that mental home because they each tried to commit suicide. At some points in the book it really made me cringe. Especially when the author went into detail about Vanessa slicing open her skin. It reminds me so much about the times that I did that. Sure, I never cringed when I did it but about a day or a week later when I looked at the cut and the weak attempt at a scab trying to cover it it did make me cringe. And then when Conner jumped, or rather walked off that cliff it just reminded me of Ashley and all the problems in her family and everything that has happened in my life. I mean, Ashley has gone through alot in her life, I won't get into that because I don't think that she would like for me to do that. Oh, Today Chelcie contacted me through the yahoo messenger. I didn't even know that she still had me added onto her contacts. Anyways, she was saying how she was sorry and that she didn't know who she was back then and blah blah blah. I still hate her. Poodles are ugly. Blegh. Well...I'm done for tonight, I'm tired and I'm gonna go to bed. G'night.

Cut my life into pieces, This is my last resort.

Sooo...It's July 20th at 10.56 Pm and I am sitting on my bed listening to Papa Roach. So I woke up today at 6.54 Pm and I went to the bathroom like I do everytime I wake up and I come out and my mom tells me to come into the living room. Her mother and her were there crying and she tells me that Rutger can't use his back legs. So she's holding my hand when she tells me and I just let go and walk away, she keeps telling me to come here and I just run into my room and close the door and sit in front of it and cry. Meanwhile, she's outside of the door telling me to open it. It takes about a minute and then I just scoot away from the door enough to let the door open. So she then proceeds to open the door and she sits on the floor with me and we just cry for about twenty minutes. She then tells me that If he won't be able to walk by tomorrow then she's going to have to take him up to work and put him to sleep; I just continued to cry. I cried for an hour straight and now it's just on and off crying. I love my Rut. I might not have treated him the best but I still loved him..I'm gonna miss him molesting Ashley. I want a new dog to replace him...and I'll be nice to this one. *sighs* I don't want my baby boy to die...I really don't. :/ Well I'm gonna go...bye.