I'm sick of this. I am completely fucking sick of all of this.

I'm sick of the drama. I'm sick of having to choose between groups of friends. I'm sick of hanging out with one group and having the other be upset or mad. I'm sick of trying to choose between happiness and fake happiness. I'm completely sick of it. I amd completely fucking sick of myself! It's like I can't do anything right. I try to make everyone happy, but it never works or else it always backfires. It's like I can't make anyone happy. I'm constantly in a heated battle with myself over my emotions and the thoughts in my head. Everyone thinks that I'm always giggling and smiling and that I'm always happy, but there's so much more to me than that. I can't express everything to everyone without them hating me or upseting them so this is the last thing that I have in the world to express my feelings. I feel like bawling my eyes out and taking a razor to my neck. I just want everything to stop. I'm tired of living out of a backpack and a bag, but this is the only place that I'm happy. I can't go back to my room because I will go back to thinking about cutting and suicide all of the time. I can't live like that for the rest of the school year. I just can't. But I can't live here for the rest of the year. So what are my choices? Live out of a bag and a backpack till the end of this tri and then go back to the Self harming and suicide thoughts? That just sounds like so much fun. I honestly don't know what to do about anything anymore. I want someone to tell me that everything will be okay and actually mean it this time. I want someone to tell me that I don't need those thoughts and that I don't need to do it. I can't live there anymore. I just don't know what to do at all anymore. I feel completely hopeless and helpless. I feel like a fucking fuck up...That's what I feel like. Why can't I just dissappear and never return. Or crawl into a ball in the corner and die. I don't know what to do. I feel like such a foolish fuck up.